I work backstage in the sound department in a yet-to-be-opened cultural centre with five venues of theatres, music halls and black boxes. State of the art (so to speak) in its design but inside everything is falling apart. The walls are chipping off, the doors are stuck, the lights are flickering; all the equipment is brand new too, but half of it doesn’t work or is defective. I sit in the office most of the time without much to do, there aren’t many shows. I walk in from the main entrance some days, just to see the big atrium space between the two bigger theatres hosting air and nothing else, it’s massive, and the building, is just so empty. Somehow I doubt there would be people coming in even when it eventually opened. There is a front desk and there would always be a person sitting there in a plain white shirt and matching beige vest and trousers, it’s their uniform. Besides the person at the front desk, there is an entire team of front-of-house staff who are supposed to welcome guests and guide people around the centre or whatever. But who? Who are they serving when the centre isn’t even open? Yet every day I see the entire team of them running around doing God-knows-what chores, I genuinely have no idea what they do all day, all week, or even all month; they just run around and they look really busy all the time. They have a channel on the walkie-talkie, channel 8, sometimes I would tune into it to listen to what they are saying. They always sound so busy, urgent, and serious, when all they say is ‘Watch out on level two the cleaners have just wiped the floor.’ Or ‘let’s try getting the signs out and we will rehearse the route once again in T minus 10.’ They said T minus 10! What do they need the lingo for? There is no one here! Are they on some secret missions that I am unaware of? What am I missing out here? I am going insane in my little office thinking what these people are up to especially since I haven’t got anything to do all week. But at dinner time today, when I went out to get something to eat, I saw one of the managers, she had a grey blazer, which means she is higher up, and she was wearing some very pink lipstick that did not suit her at all, running out of the centre with a walkie talkie in hand as some emergency happened and she was there to calm the nerves and save the day.
‘Don’t worry! I’ll sort it out! Stay here!’ She shouted to the other FOH staff by the door who looked lost and scared. She proceeds to run out down by the garden patch outside and along the pavement around the centre. Naturally, I have to see where she is heading so I followed her like a curious kid tracing ants back to their lair of all evil. And there it was, there was a security guard in a wheelchair with two more beige people pushing him to the loading dock in the back, and awaiting them all was an Uber (don’t ask how I knew it was an Uber, it just looked like an Uber XL). Oh, My, God, the security guard is down and they are sending him to the hospital! But wait, why didn’t they call an ambulance? Is the guard not going to the hospital? Is he not ill? But he is in a wheelchair, what is even happening? I am even more confused by the concerted effort to rush this security guard in a wheelchair onto the Uber XL, but not going to the hospital. Did he try to tackle a terrorist who broke into the building and threatened to bomb it all down? Did he injure himself while trying to wrestle the bomb out of the man in a ski mask? Finally, I’ve got it. The security guard stood too long by the door and he fainted so they sent him home. Wow phew! Thank god there was the manager in the blazer’s quick wit, what else would we do if she wasn’t around to save the hectic day? I find it all very amusing, these people who managed the building, just seem so energised and ready to deal with anything all the time, never tired, never reluctant, always yes, yes, yes. I envy them, I wish I had the same attitude at my job. I can’t do it anymore, I am going to quit and go back to London. Just a few more weeks, I say to myself as I see the security guard got sent home.
This is a video of two of the beige people fixing a sign.